I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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