Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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