I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
