The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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