you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
