Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
