oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
