I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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