Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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