If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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