I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
