You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
