I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
do nipples grow back?
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