Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
