i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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