Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
