i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
