I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The uberlube is also flammable
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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