Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
