A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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