Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
