i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
