I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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