tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
