Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
