I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
