I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
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Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
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That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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