Soap is not a condiment
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
