Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
