Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
