Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
