quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
