I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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