please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
