i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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