You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
