my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
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he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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