I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
