I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
