My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
