dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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