he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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