i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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