i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine