Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
