sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
