Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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