glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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