"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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