Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Im part way to drunk.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
