This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
