genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Randomize
