The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
