My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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