Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
