is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
