I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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