every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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