Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My feet surprised me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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