i just wanna soil my oats bro
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
