I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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