What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i am craving dick and cupcakes
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
